I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
