What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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