Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
