Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
