Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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