I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Drunk is not a location!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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