his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
