i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
