I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
