Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
