your parents love me but you hate me
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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