hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
