Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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