she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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