worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
