I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
