Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
a search helicopter?!
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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