My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
