Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
