made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
