My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
