Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
