Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
