This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
