I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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