You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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