Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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