I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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