I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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