Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
