if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
