my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
