Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
