Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
