You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize