First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
