he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
