Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
