I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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