just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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