The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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