got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
