I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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