I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
