I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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