I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize