I wish my penis had an off switch
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
