I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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