i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
