sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
