Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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