At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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