Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
