a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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