How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
