I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
